I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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