i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
