nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
