Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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