I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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