Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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