The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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