New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
