i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize