Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize