hell yes lets make some ravioli
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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