just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
