people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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