...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
