woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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