I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
