The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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