Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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