broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
