my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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