you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
