this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
