Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
