Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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