um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize