I'm eating all of the evidence.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
