mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
