It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
