The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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