did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
