I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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