i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
