I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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