I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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