true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
