dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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