I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
