the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize