honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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