Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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