he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
