What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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