There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
