Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
