is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
