its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
