The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
