She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
