i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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