Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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