Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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