thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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