I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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