just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
