I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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