I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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