Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
