Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
