I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
