...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize