I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Randomize
