First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
