Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
